Title: To Silence the Voice
Author: IrishDachsie
Pairing: Grissom/Sara
Rated: PG
Disclaimer: The author does not own CSI. No profit is being made from
this story.
Why are you doing this? Why don’t you just talk
to her? No one says you have to tell her everything that has happened in your
life. But, for the love of God…talk to her!
He watched her silently as she methodically
made her way through the crime scene. They hadn’t spoken to each other in days.
He found it easier to just ignore the tension. At least, that’s what he told
himself. It wasn’t any easier. Nothing was any easier. If anything, his life
was in more disarray than it had ever been before.
He took a deep breath as he watched the young
paramedic walk up to her. Warm smiles were exchanged. He remembered the smiles
she used to give to him. Only him. It had been weeks
since he had seen one of those smiles. He felt himself spiral deeper into the
hole he had dug himself. Nothing to grab onto, nothing to
steady himself. He fell, faster and deeper.
She did say they were
only friends, you know…
He shook his head lightly at the thought. His
eyes continued to watch them. He observed that there was no sexual tension
between them. Their eyes did not hold the gaze that lovers share. His eyes
narrowed slightly in concentration as he read their lips.
You know, you really
shouldn’t be doing that. It’s the same as eavesdropping…
Shut up.
He suddenly realized that he was arguing with
himself again. And during that argument, he had missed part of the conversation
he had been observing so intently. With a heavy sigh, he turned and walked
towards the Tahoe. He had done all he could do here anyway.
“Grissom! Hey…Griss!”
He slowly turned towards the voice, only to
see that she was still caught up in conversation with Hank. Her voice echoed in
his mind. But, he knew the voice was only a memory. Nothing
more. She hadn’t called out to him. She had before…but not now, not
anymore.
He climbed into the vehicle and turned the
ignition. With one more long look, he pulled out
slowly and began the trek back to the lab.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her head snapped up at the sound of the SUV’s
engine. She watched him leave with the sorrow in her eyes that Hank always failed
to recognize. He was still talking, she wasn’t listening. His hand on her arm
brought her eyes from the fading taillights of the Tahoe back to him.
“You okay, Sara?”
She smiled lightly. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“He doesn’t like me, does he?”
Confusion shone in her eyes as she looked at
him. “What? Why do you say that?”
He shrugged his shoulders. She hated it when
he shrugged his shoulders. It’s the motion of a person who doesn’t care.
Irritation swept through her body. She fought to keep herself listening to him.
“I don’t know…he just doesn’t say much.
And…he’s always just…looking at me.” He shrugged his shoulders again.
I wouldn’t mind
shrugging his head right at this moment…
She shook the thought from her head and tried
her best to not let her irritation show in her tone. “Grissom doesn’t say much
to anyone anymore.”
He shrugged his shoulders once more. Her
subconscious glared at him.
Her thought stopped abruptly in her head. “What?”
“Yeah, jealous. Because, he knows that I have you and…”
He knew immediately by the flash of anger in
her eyes that he had said the wrong thing.
“Excuse me? You have me? We’re friends,
Hank…you don’t have me. You never have. You never will. And now…I need
to get back to the lab.”
She turned to walk towards her own vehicle. He
knew he shouldn’t have said anything. He should’ve just let her go. But…he
couldn’t stop himself.
“Back to the lab? Or back to him?”
She stopped her forward motion. Turning slowly
towards him, she tried to choose her words carefully. Seeing his smirk, her
words left her. She said the first thing that came into her head.
“Shut up, Hank.”
His smirk faded immediately. Not from her
words, not even from her tone. Her eyes. He had never
seen that look in her eyes. If he didn’t already have suspicions of her
feelings towards her supervisor, he did now. He did as she asked, and silently
watched her leave…her tires kicking up the dust on the road.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was sitting in his office, working on the
paperwork from the night. Or, rather, staring at it as he tapped his pen
against his lower lip.
You should’ve told
her a long time ago how you felt. But, no…
Shut up.
I’m not shutting up this time, Gil. You know
as well as I do that you can only keep her hanging on for so long before she
gets tired of it and finds someone else.
‘You know as well as I do’? I AM you.
Then, you know what I say is true.
Shut up.
He found that he argued with himself more
lately. Maybe that was because he wouldn’t talk to anyone anymore.
Why don’t you talk to
anyone , Gil?
You know why.
Tell me.
Shut up.
No, tell me. Are you afraid that if you talk,
people will realize that you’re losing your hearing?
Shut up.
Because, you know…they already suspect.
Especially Sa..
Shut UP!
He dropped the pen from his shaking hand. He
knew he was right. Sara did suspect. He could see it in her eyes when she did
happen to look at him. So, he did the only thing he knew to do. Distance himself. From his co-workers, from the
truth…from her.
You know that’s the stupid thing to do. You
NEED people right now, Gil. You NEED the truth. You NEED her.
They’ll just pity me.
No, you’re doing that yourself.
I am not.
You are too.
I am NOT!
I’m not having this childish conversation with
you, Gil. You know you are. If you weren’t, then they would know. You wouldn’t
be going through this alone.
I’m not going through this alone. I have you
to talk to.
Who am I, Gil? I’m YOU. Remember? You are
going through this alone.
“I have to stop this.”
“Stop what?”
Startled, more than a little, he looked
towards the door. She stood there, leaning against the frame, her arms crossed,
a small smile playing at her lips.
“Nothing…” The word was a mere whisper.
“Argue with yourself too, don’t you?” Her
smile was widening.
He cleared his throat softly and sat back in
his chair.
Answer her question, Gil.
“Sara…uh…what do you need?”
I said ANSWER her
question, not ASK her one!
Shut up.
Her smile faded somewhat, but it still
lingered in the depth of her brown irises. “Shift’s almost over…”
He glanced at the clock and saw that, once again,
she was correct. He looked back at her, silently questioning her.
“…and, I was wondering if you might like to go
get some breakfast and…talk.”
“Talk? About what?”
You’re an idiot, Gil. Have I told you that
lately? A complete and utter idiot.
I said shut up.
Her smile faded completely. He instantly
regretted his words and wished that he had listened to the voice instead.
He watched as she moved from her leaning
position and stood up straight. He could see the confusion and pain in her eyes,
even from this distance. He wanted to go to her, to hold her, to tell her how
much he cared for her.
Then…do it.
No.
Why?
Shut up.
That’s your answer for everything, isn’t it?
When you don’t want to answer me, you just tell me to shut up. You know damn
well that I’m not going to shut up. You know that. You know…
Shut up.
You know I’m right, Gil.
He thought about it for a moment, and then
stood. Slowly, he walked towards her. He stopped abruptly, obviously second-guessing
the entire situation. His mouth opened to speak. No words formed. His mouth
closed. His gaze dropped to the floor.
“If you keep pushing me away, one day I won’t
come back.” Her words held no anger. Just a simple point of
fact.
He looked back up at her.
For once in your life, listen to me Gil. Tell
her why you can’t have breakfast. Don’t let her think that you just don’t want
to. Be fair to her.
“Sara…I can’t…I can’t have breakfast with you
today.”
She nodded and bit the inside of her lower
lip. “So, we have nothing to talk about…”
Don’t fuck this up, Gil. Don’t do it.
“No…we do
have things to talk about…things we need
to talk about. Just…not today.”
Look in her eyes,
Gil. You’re confusing her again. Can’t you see that?
Yes, I can see it. I’m going deaf, not blind.
Then make her UNconfused.
Unconfused? Is that even a word?
Does it really matter right now? Tell her WHY
it can’t be today.
“Sara…”
She shifted her weight nervously as she sensed
his hesitation. She uncrossed her arms and clasped her hands behind her back in
a silent welcoming gesture for him to continue. She knew communication was not
his strong suit.
He recognized the gesture and took a deep
breath before continuing.
“Sara…I have an appointment with the doctor
this morning. I’m not…” His eyes closed briefly, trying to find the words.
“Your hearing…”
His eyes snapped open and looked at her. Her whispered words screaming in his head. She knew.
I told you she suspected.
Please, just be quiet for a moment. Please.
I like that much better than ‘shut up’.
Please.
Her trembling hand reached out and gently
covered his ear. Her thumb caressing the helix. His
eyes found hers, searching for something. Anything.
What he found there astounded him. Understanding. Compassion. And…
What is that? Love?
He inhaled deeply.
“Breakfast some other time
then?”
He nodded slowly.
“You don’t have to go through this alone,
Grissom. You don’t.”
In her eyes, he saw the truth in her words.
He heard his own voice softly croak out two
words.
“Dinner? Tonight?”
Her smile returned. His
smile. The smile that he had missed seeing for so many
weeks.
“Dinner…tonight.”
She leaned over and placed a soft kiss on his
cheek before turning and walking out the door. Slowly, his own smile took up
residence on his lips.
He glanced back at the clock and quickly
grabbed his jacket. If he didn’t hurry, he’d be late.
Hey…thanks.
Silence.
Silence.
When I don’t want you to talk, you rattle
incessantly. When I want you here, you’re gone. It doesn’t make sense.
Silence.
And then…a small whisper. You don’t need me
anymore, Gil. You’re not alone any longer.
He stopped in his tracks and thought about
that. It was true. He wasn’t alone anymore. Sara would be there for him.
He chuckled lightly to himself. The voice had
driven him crazy for weeks. He had begged it to leave him alone. And, in the
end…all that was needed to silence the voice was for him to take the first step
in the right direction. In Sara’s direction.
For the first time, he smiled all the way to
the doctor’s office.
~ End